Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You are forever a part of my story.
I entered into the New Year, like may others, planning to do a “dry” January. I arrived home from a week long trip on January 2nd and started my plan.
Little did I know that three days in I would be brought to my knees with withdrawal symptoms feeling like I was having a nervous breakdown. I couldn’t get out of bed, I had horrible headaches, shakes and I was scared.
I called my sister who is sober 16 years and told her what was going on. She told me to get some hard candy right away and it would help with the shakes and headache and she told me to get to an AA meeting right away. I had my therapy appointment coming up in about 2 hours so she told me to be completely honest with her otherwise she couldn’t help me.
I got on the call with my therapist and told her the story and what was happening. She asked me how much I had been drinking and I was honest. I could drink a bottle of wine easily in one night by myself and sometimes go to open another. When wine started effecting my sleep and allergies I switched to Vodka with La Croix and fresh squeezed lime (hey, for vitamin C right). I could drink 4 in one evening but tried stopping at 3. Then she said the dreaded words I didn’t want to hear…”Carrie, you’re an alcoholic”. I broke down crying.
I want to be clear, it wasn’t always like this. Yes, I have always loved to drink, it runs in my family, but it was not this out of control since my college days and 20’s. I even stopped drinking for 3 years while I was trying to conceive my first child Gabriella. I remember the day I had my first glass of chardonnay breaking that 3 year streak. I was in Brazil for over a month with my husband and in-laws unable to speak their language and completely stressed out traveling with a fussy 2 year old. We were out at dinner without kids and I said “fuck it” I need something to relax me.
It didn’t get really bad though until Covid hit. My husband and I decided (unconsciously) to turn it into a daily happy hour while we were stuck inside 24-7 with, at the time, 4 and 7 year olds. I did have a few dry months within that time but would go right back to “treating” myself to that end of day drink after a hard day of work and parenting.
The day after my therapy appointment was the CFJ Elite call. I got my shit together and got on the call but was very reserved and quiet. I knew that if I was questioned by Carolyn I would spill my guts and I was’t ready for it. See Carolyn called me out on this in my last report of the school last year. I guess I had mentioned drinking enough in my reports that she saw it and took a stand for me. She suggested I reach out to Devon and Steve to talk to them but I simply wasn’t ready. The thought scared the shit out of me.
So on the elite call, without raising my hand, Carolyn asked me what was going on and noticed something different and that I was being really quiet. Out it all came. I told them all the story with tears running down my face. I was extremely vulnerable and raw. I didn’t know if I could do this and was afraid to tell everyone and fail. Carolyn said to me “Carrie, if your therapist wouldn’t have said it to you then today I would have.” I felt so much love and support coming from Carolyn. I have never had someone take such a stand for me. I instantly understood the POWER of BOLD coaching. I felt so much love from the whole group. Carolyn asked them all to share with me to support me and I will never forget it. Thank you Sofia, Lauren, Stacy, and Farnaz. And thank you Carolyn from the bottom of my heart. You are forever a part of my story. It truly took some of the heaviness out of it for me.
Carolyn asked me to reach out to Devon and Steve before the first class weekend which was that weekend. This was SO out of my comfort zone and I was even shaking while writing them emails. I told myself to just send it without thinking and I did right after the call. I knew if I waited I wouldn’t do it. Of course Devon texts me right away saying he could talk right now. Steve replied right away as well and we scheduled a call for the next morning. It was happening no matter how I felt about it.
I got on the call with Devon and was shaking as I told him the story with tears running down my face. See the “shame” for me went even deeper because he has been a design client for the last few years. I even attended two Gamechanger weekends while the drinking was at its highest. But I was met with only love and support. He shared his story with me and shared what was possible on the other side. By the end of the call, somehow he actually made me more exited about being sober. That is a master coach! He has consistently supported me in this process and to that I am deeply grateful and blessed. And again, I hung up feeling even lighter. Thank you Devon from the bottom of my heart. You are forever a part of my story.
Then came my call with Steve. The same thing happened. I was shaking and so nervous to tell him for the same reasons I was with Devon. I shared while I was shaking, through my tears and was met with so much love, compassion and of course some humor. He shared his story as well and a whole new way of looking at the situation. By the end of this call, I don’t know how he did it, but I was actually excited to go to AA and get a sponsor! I again experienced another level of masterful coaching and again felt even lighter. Thank you Steve from the bottom of my heart. You are forever a part of my story.
The next month Carolyn asked me to reach out to Sandy Sullivan to ask for support. This time I wasn’t as nervous because I felt much lighter having shared it already with a few people. Sandy was so loving, compassionate and held such an amazing space of possibility with me. She helped me transfer what used to be my fun (drinking) into something new and different. And again, I hung up feeling even lighter. Thank you Sandy from the bottom of my heart. You are forever a part of my story.
How was the process physically?
I might write a page on this experience alone as it’s significant. But I have it the main highlights here.
The first 30 I hibernated, scared to be triggered by situations or people where I might want to drink. It got very lonely. I had continued headaches in the evening when I would usually pour myself a drink to make dinner. I was still very tired all the time and had stomach issues as my body was adjusting. But I stopped craving my evening drink and actually forgot about it all together which I didn’t think was possible.
The next 30 days (to 60) I had to get out because I was going crazy staying at home. I had a few stressful breakdowns because I didn’t know how to fill my cup and relax without alcohol. I had to explore new ways of doing this that worked for ME. So far I found that being with my friends, and jigsaw puzzles really help. I also stopped being so hot all the time, was sleeping much better, although still pretty tired during the day.
The next 30 days (to 90) I started sleeping even better, instead of being hot all the time I am cold. And about a week ago something literally clicked. Devon said at 90 days something special happens and now I truly know this is true. I woke up one day and felt a different “good”. I was clear eyed, clear minded, got my energy back, went back to yoga, feel more confident in my sobriety and feel more connected with people. I am WAY more patient with my kids and I am setting boundaries that needed to be set a long time ago with many people in my life.
Yes emotions come up that I had been numbing out…a lot of them and I am working my process now instead of ignoring them and myself. I am deeply grateful for my USM tools and education to do this. This has definitely been a process and I know it’s not over. It’s really never over.
One of Alchemy’s favorite quotes comes to mind here…
“It is time, you are more than what you’ve become”
- Mufasa, The Lion King
If you have read my story to this point, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
YOU are forever a part of my story.